Push Back the Darkness

TRIGGER WARNING: Lots of eating disorder talk

I remember, so vividly, being a young teenager, and sitting in front of the computer, late into the night, browsing through the old "pro-Ana" literature, reading "Tips and Tricks" to "help" me with my eating disorder. (Most girls who had an eating disorder and a LiveJournal in 2006 are probably remembering this with me.) Somehow, some of these disgusting websites are still in existence, instructing young, confused girls to fill up on diet soda, to press on their stomach to stop the hunger pains, to eat their meals off of a small, dark-colored plate ("It tricks you to feel fuller, faster"), and coaching them on how to hide their habits from their parents. 

As an adult, I found quickly that no one had to teach me how to come up with new, sick ways to abuse my body. It came naturally to me, the victim of such deep self-loathing. But some of the "tips" and "motivational quotes" from those websites kind of stuck. I remember reading things like "You don't deserve to eat," "Would you rather have a cookie or be thin?" and even "Fat people are disgusting - you don't want to be one of them." 

Ideas like this are SO DAMAGING for young girls, and I was only thirteen when I first came upon this kind of garbage. These days those kinds of thoughts are few and far between, but still, you can't just make a dark part of you go away. You have to combat the darkness with light. 

Thanksgiving is coming up, and Thanksgiving can be a hard day for those of us struggling with or recovering from an eating disorder. In light of the fact that we will all, in three days, be fighting this battle against Ed together, I have put together a list of "Tips and Tricks" of my own, a list of ways to push back the darkness, if you will. 

I hope you like them.

1. Rules, rules, rules. Remember all those eating rules you used to have for yourself? About how many times you had to chew each bite, and how you could never have dessert unless you purged, etc? Write all those down on a piece of paper and then SET THAT SHIT ON FIRE.

2. Drink water when you're thirsty. Drink it until you no longer feel thirsty. 

3. Eat food when you are hungry. Stop eating when you feel pleasantly full.

4. Thank yourself for your kindness to yourself between bites. Feel the nourishment going into your body and be grateful for it. 

5. Is your plate full? Fantastic! Don't compare your portion to ANYONE else's. They can worry about themselves, sweetheart. You just worry about you.

6. Carbs, protein, fats. You need all three to survive! 

7. Don't gyp yourself by eating celery when you're really hungry for steak. 

8. Do you find yourself getting anxious as you eat? Breathe! Take deep breaths and eat mindfully. Enjoy every bite as much as you can. Orient yourself to the room. There is nothing to be afraid of. You are doing great! 

9. Don't count calories. They're units of energy. Just listen to your body's cues - your body knows what it needs and your hunger won't steer you wrong! 

10. Throw away your scale. Your weight is the pull of gravity on your body towards the earth - the number does not tell you how beautiful, smart, funny, caring, or valuable you are. The number doesn't matter. 

11. If your stomach is grumbling, put food in it. 

12. Look in the mirror after every meal. Tell yourself how beautiful you are. Notice one thing you truly love about your body and compliment it out loud. 

13. Exercise in a way that feels fun and natural to you. Dance, do yoga, go for walks. Don't keep track of the calories you're burning. Just do it to give yourself the gift of movement. 

14. Friends are your allies. Tell them when you need help warding Ed off for the day. True friends will always be willing to help you! 

15. Put affirmations on the peanut butter jar. Write "You deserve to be nourished" on the fridge. 

16. Give clothes to Goodwill as they get too small for you. Don't keep them around "just in case." You are restoring, and you look great. 

17. Stop sucking it in. Anyone who doesn't like you based on the curve of your stomach is a jerk, and you don't want to talk to them anyway. 

18. Write love letters to yourself. Force the words out if you have to. Tell yourself the things you need to hear! 

19. The three Ds:

Distance yourself from Ed

Distract yourself from urges

Decide that you are too strong to put up with this BS

20. Get plenty of sleep.

21. Wear whatever the hell makes you feel good about yourself. Crop tops are NOT just for flat tummies, OPRAH.

22. Don't be afraid to share your story. 

23. Cut a ribbon the size you want your waist to be. Look at it real hard. Now set that shit on fire, too.

Your waist is perfect, baby doll, just like you.