Moving On (After Rehab)

I want to preface this by saying, I can't speak for everyone. I can't speak on the behalf of every girl who has ever received treatment for her eating disorder; even less so can I speak for every person who has ever been to rehab for any kind of addiction. What I can say is that I only speak my truth, and I speak from the heart, so hopefully this goes over well when I say it.

Here it is; I'll say it loud and clear:

GRADUATING FROM REHAB IS HARD.

I didn't realize how hard it would be until I DID it. I mean, I actually did it! We had the ceremony, everyone said their goodbyes, and my eighteen weeks at La Luna came to a close. There were no tears, like I thought there would be, just that itchy feeling at the back of my throat when my individual therapist sat down across from me, and I knew it was the last time I would see her in this setting. And that wasn't even the hard part! The hard part was going home, waking up the next morning, feeling the urge to purge, and thinking to myself, "I just have to make it until process group," only to realize that there would be no process group for me to go to. I was done. 

I thank my lucky stars that all I required to get started on my recovery journey was outpatient rehab. All you folks who do inpatient, and then come back to this cruel, horrible, triggering world from that cocoon - how do you DO it? I can't even handle losing my nine hours a week. 

I guess I just miss the space - the space to come forward with real issues, with real hurts and raw spots on my heart that the rest of the world would surely reject. "You're being too sensitive!" the rest of the world would say, or "Don't talk about that! That makes me uncomfortable!"

But at La Luna, I heard it all the time. "All parts of you are welcome here." And I believed it. 

How can you replace a space like that? What can you do to take care of yourself in light of the fact that your support system has shrunk or in some ways, disappeared? 

I tried making a comprehensive list of all the self-care someone could do in light of the fact that they need to move on after rehab. Here it is - I hope it helps someone else who finds it along the way!

How to Stay on the Wagon After Rehab

1. Keep in touch with others who were with you in rehab.

No one understands rehab quite like someone who is currently in rehab. And very few people would be more empathetic about you feeling a little lost, or afraid. Reach out to those people! They went through hell with you and watched you come back from it - they know better than most what you need to hear or be told.

2. Don't neglect individual therapy

Sometimes it's as simple as showing up. Under no circumstances should you ever be skipping individual therapy sessions after a spell in rehab. It is likely to lead to a quick relapse. 

Sometimes it's more about showing up FULLY. Once you start hiding things from your therapist, even if they're just feelings, thoughts, and urges, you know you're in trouble. Bring it all to the table and be honest. That's what your therapist is there for!

3. Unapologetically care for yourself

If I'm having a panic attack, I leave work. If I'm urge-surfing, I avoid bathrooms like the plague. Learn to protect yourself aggressively. No one else can do this for you.

4. Always call someone if you're having relapse urges

Even if you're just having a hard day! Call a friend. Call a friend from rehab, call a friend from college, call a friend from preschool, call your mom. It doesn't matter. Reach out to someone who will gently, but firmly, remind you of all the progress you've made and the amazing things yet to come if you continue on the path of recovery!

5. Distract yourself

Some of what rehab did for you was it gave you something to do. So give yourself something to do! Read self help books. Go for a walk. Pick up a new hobby - there are about ten million of them to choose from. Go on Pinterest if you have to. 

6. Relax

Take a bubble bath. Put cucumbers on your eyes. I'm serious. Do whatever (HEALTHY THINGS) it takes to unwind - because otherwise you will get stressed enough to resort to unhealthy things!

7. Give yourself grace

You will have thoughts where you romanticize your old life. You will glamorize your addiction. Your addiction voices will tell you that you need to go back to the way things were. You will kick these voices' asses. Even if you feel like you've lost the fight, give yourself a little grace. No one is perfect.

8. Keep up with recovery literature

If you like the twelve steps, put them on your mirror. Nail them on your damn door. If you like the serenity prayer, plaster it on your walls. If you like affirmations or motivational quotes, whatever works for you, keep yourself surrounded by them. I put affirmations in my underwear drawer, because I have to see them every day. And keep recovery books around! (My favorite is Eating by the Light of the Moon.)

9. Pray

Hey, you don't have to. No one is making you. But my therapist told me once that your problems feel easier to face when you know someone WAY bigger than you is carrying them, absorbing them, feeling them with you. When you know that something huge and vast and beautiful loves you completely, with no reservations, you start to feel a lot better about your messed-up self. 

Ultimately, I make sure that I do one thing, intentionally, each day, to maintain my sanity and to honor my recovery. Just one thing! It doesn't seem like a lot, but it's helping me in the process of being my own rehab, being my own shelter. It's helping me taking care of myself.