Push Back the Darkness

TRIGGER WARNING: Lots of eating disorder talk

I remember, so vividly, being a young teenager, and sitting in front of the computer, late into the night, browsing through the old "pro-Ana" literature, reading "Tips and Tricks" to "help" me with my eating disorder. (Most girls who had an eating disorder and a LiveJournal in 2006 are probably remembering this with me.) Somehow, some of these disgusting websites are still in existence, instructing young, confused girls to fill up on diet soda, to press on their stomach to stop the hunger pains, to eat their meals off of a small, dark-colored plate ("It tricks you to feel fuller, faster"), and coaching them on how to hide their habits from their parents. 

As an adult, I found quickly that no one had to teach me how to come up with new, sick ways to abuse my body. It came naturally to me, the victim of such deep self-loathing. But some of the "tips" and "motivational quotes" from those websites kind of stuck. I remember reading things like "You don't deserve to eat," "Would you rather have a cookie or be thin?" and even "Fat people are disgusting - you don't want to be one of them." 

Ideas like this are SO DAMAGING for young girls, and I was only thirteen when I first came upon this kind of garbage. These days those kinds of thoughts are few and far between, but still, you can't just make a dark part of you go away. You have to combat the darkness with light. 

Thanksgiving is coming up, and Thanksgiving can be a hard day for those of us struggling with or recovering from an eating disorder. In light of the fact that we will all, in three days, be fighting this battle against Ed together, I have put together a list of "Tips and Tricks" of my own, a list of ways to push back the darkness, if you will. 

I hope you like them.

1. Rules, rules, rules. Remember all those eating rules you used to have for yourself? About how many times you had to chew each bite, and how you could never have dessert unless you purged, etc? Write all those down on a piece of paper and then SET THAT SHIT ON FIRE.

2. Drink water when you're thirsty. Drink it until you no longer feel thirsty. 

3. Eat food when you are hungry. Stop eating when you feel pleasantly full.

4. Thank yourself for your kindness to yourself between bites. Feel the nourishment going into your body and be grateful for it. 

5. Is your plate full? Fantastic! Don't compare your portion to ANYONE else's. They can worry about themselves, sweetheart. You just worry about you.

6. Carbs, protein, fats. You need all three to survive! 

7. Don't gyp yourself by eating celery when you're really hungry for steak. 

8. Do you find yourself getting anxious as you eat? Breathe! Take deep breaths and eat mindfully. Enjoy every bite as much as you can. Orient yourself to the room. There is nothing to be afraid of. You are doing great! 

9. Don't count calories. They're units of energy. Just listen to your body's cues - your body knows what it needs and your hunger won't steer you wrong! 

10. Throw away your scale. Your weight is the pull of gravity on your body towards the earth - the number does not tell you how beautiful, smart, funny, caring, or valuable you are. The number doesn't matter. 

11. If your stomach is grumbling, put food in it. 

12. Look in the mirror after every meal. Tell yourself how beautiful you are. Notice one thing you truly love about your body and compliment it out loud. 

13. Exercise in a way that feels fun and natural to you. Dance, do yoga, go for walks. Don't keep track of the calories you're burning. Just do it to give yourself the gift of movement. 

14. Friends are your allies. Tell them when you need help warding Ed off for the day. True friends will always be willing to help you! 

15. Put affirmations on the peanut butter jar. Write "You deserve to be nourished" on the fridge. 

16. Give clothes to Goodwill as they get too small for you. Don't keep them around "just in case." You are restoring, and you look great. 

17. Stop sucking it in. Anyone who doesn't like you based on the curve of your stomach is a jerk, and you don't want to talk to them anyway. 

18. Write love letters to yourself. Force the words out if you have to. Tell yourself the things you need to hear! 

19. The three Ds:

Distance yourself from Ed

Distract yourself from urges

Decide that you are too strong to put up with this BS

20. Get plenty of sleep.

21. Wear whatever the hell makes you feel good about yourself. Crop tops are NOT just for flat tummies, OPRAH.

22. Don't be afraid to share your story. 

23. Cut a ribbon the size you want your waist to be. Look at it real hard. Now set that shit on fire, too.

Your waist is perfect, baby doll, just like you. 

Moving On (After Rehab)

I want to preface this by saying, I can't speak for everyone. I can't speak on the behalf of every girl who has ever received treatment for her eating disorder; even less so can I speak for every person who has ever been to rehab for any kind of addiction. What I can say is that I only speak my truth, and I speak from the heart, so hopefully this goes over well when I say it.

Here it is; I'll say it loud and clear:

GRADUATING FROM REHAB IS HARD.

I didn't realize how hard it would be until I DID it. I mean, I actually did it! We had the ceremony, everyone said their goodbyes, and my eighteen weeks at La Luna came to a close. There were no tears, like I thought there would be, just that itchy feeling at the back of my throat when my individual therapist sat down across from me, and I knew it was the last time I would see her in this setting. And that wasn't even the hard part! The hard part was going home, waking up the next morning, feeling the urge to purge, and thinking to myself, "I just have to make it until process group," only to realize that there would be no process group for me to go to. I was done. 

I thank my lucky stars that all I required to get started on my recovery journey was outpatient rehab. All you folks who do inpatient, and then come back to this cruel, horrible, triggering world from that cocoon - how do you DO it? I can't even handle losing my nine hours a week. 

I guess I just miss the space - the space to come forward with real issues, with real hurts and raw spots on my heart that the rest of the world would surely reject. "You're being too sensitive!" the rest of the world would say, or "Don't talk about that! That makes me uncomfortable!"

But at La Luna, I heard it all the time. "All parts of you are welcome here." And I believed it. 

How can you replace a space like that? What can you do to take care of yourself in light of the fact that your support system has shrunk or in some ways, disappeared? 

I tried making a comprehensive list of all the self-care someone could do in light of the fact that they need to move on after rehab. Here it is - I hope it helps someone else who finds it along the way!

How to Stay on the Wagon After Rehab

1. Keep in touch with others who were with you in rehab.

No one understands rehab quite like someone who is currently in rehab. And very few people would be more empathetic about you feeling a little lost, or afraid. Reach out to those people! They went through hell with you and watched you come back from it - they know better than most what you need to hear or be told.

2. Don't neglect individual therapy

Sometimes it's as simple as showing up. Under no circumstances should you ever be skipping individual therapy sessions after a spell in rehab. It is likely to lead to a quick relapse. 

Sometimes it's more about showing up FULLY. Once you start hiding things from your therapist, even if they're just feelings, thoughts, and urges, you know you're in trouble. Bring it all to the table and be honest. That's what your therapist is there for!

3. Unapologetically care for yourself

If I'm having a panic attack, I leave work. If I'm urge-surfing, I avoid bathrooms like the plague. Learn to protect yourself aggressively. No one else can do this for you.

4. Always call someone if you're having relapse urges

Even if you're just having a hard day! Call a friend. Call a friend from rehab, call a friend from college, call a friend from preschool, call your mom. It doesn't matter. Reach out to someone who will gently, but firmly, remind you of all the progress you've made and the amazing things yet to come if you continue on the path of recovery!

5. Distract yourself

Some of what rehab did for you was it gave you something to do. So give yourself something to do! Read self help books. Go for a walk. Pick up a new hobby - there are about ten million of them to choose from. Go on Pinterest if you have to. 

6. Relax

Take a bubble bath. Put cucumbers on your eyes. I'm serious. Do whatever (HEALTHY THINGS) it takes to unwind - because otherwise you will get stressed enough to resort to unhealthy things!

7. Give yourself grace

You will have thoughts where you romanticize your old life. You will glamorize your addiction. Your addiction voices will tell you that you need to go back to the way things were. You will kick these voices' asses. Even if you feel like you've lost the fight, give yourself a little grace. No one is perfect.

8. Keep up with recovery literature

If you like the twelve steps, put them on your mirror. Nail them on your damn door. If you like the serenity prayer, plaster it on your walls. If you like affirmations or motivational quotes, whatever works for you, keep yourself surrounded by them. I put affirmations in my underwear drawer, because I have to see them every day. And keep recovery books around! (My favorite is Eating by the Light of the Moon.)

9. Pray

Hey, you don't have to. No one is making you. But my therapist told me once that your problems feel easier to face when you know someone WAY bigger than you is carrying them, absorbing them, feeling them with you. When you know that something huge and vast and beautiful loves you completely, with no reservations, you start to feel a lot better about your messed-up self. 

Ultimately, I make sure that I do one thing, intentionally, each day, to maintain my sanity and to honor my recovery. Just one thing! It doesn't seem like a lot, but it's helping me in the process of being my own rehab, being my own shelter. It's helping me taking care of myself.